a rebirth...?

I'm here to talk to you. Since no one else seems to be listening. I've gotten so sick of LiveJournal. Maybe here I will be able to write freely. It's better when no one else seems to be reading. I don't know why.

I don't know who you are, exactly. I highly doubt that anyone is going to read this. So, I guess I'm just talking to myself. Maybe this is a sign that I have finally gone crazy.

I'm trying so hard to forget the past few days. I'm trying to ignore the fact that I've been reduced to a lifeless shell who can't do anything but sit here and listen to music. Eating? Work? School? Sleep? These are luxuries I cannot afford myself. Music, and thoughts. That's all.

Hello, depression. I missed you so.

I'm just hoping it passes soon. I don't want to be the way I was a couple years ago. I got sick of that girl, and I don't want her to come back.

I guess the whole reason I wanted to start writing was this: It seemed like a good idea at the time. :(

A couple months ago, my friend introduced me to someone online. Now I've been hurt by online relationships before, so I was hesitant. I was angry with my friend, too. But time passed. I chatted with this guy more and more.

Now comes the part where Alania should be shot.

I totally fell for him! After promising myself I don't know HOW many times that I would never fall for someone online again, I totally fell for him. Talking to him made my day. It motivated me to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on truckin'.

Things continued for awhile. Our relationship was uncertain. I liked him, but I was filled with inhibition. Everything about it was wrong.. he was even in a different city. But gradually, and without me realizing it, he was becoming more a part of my life.

So I decided to go visit him. I wish I knew what I was thinking when I thought that would be a good plan. I guess if you don't take any risks in life, you don't get anywhere, but man, I feel like an idiot.

It was an absolute disaster. I thought that we were getting along despite my social anxiety but I was so wrong.

I wish I was a beautiful girl. It might make up for the fact that I have no personality. I don't know exactly what about me didn't meet his expectations. I noticed when I got back to my cruddy hotel room that my sweater smelled like the gross guy who sat beside me on the greyhound... how embarassing. Maybe it was that. Maybe it was the fact that I cut my hair and look like a dork. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe I'll never know the answer.

Fuck, but that's not the worst. I became, in my panicked state, the worst of human kind.

I wish I knew how many times I called, or how many messages I left him. Why did I panic? Why didn't I just leave when I hadn't heard from him by 2PM?

Maybe if I hadn't panicked, things would be different. Maybe...? I hate the word maybe. It's so open-ended.

But yeah, I fucked things up. I just wish I could get some kind of answer that was a little louder than silence.

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current music: Spin Spin Sugar [Armand Van Helden's Speed Garage Mix] - Sneaker Pimps