random thoughts

I am the stupid :P

I downloaded 2 oldie timey games (Epic Pinball and Tempest 2000) and then realized I can't play em because Windows XP doesn't like old DOS games. Oh well. At least I still have my Mac emulator so I can play Number Munchers and Oregon Trail if I want some real old goodness. But if anyone knows how I can play Tempest 2000, let me know!

We went looking at TVs and stereos yesterday, and one of the demo rooms had lime/apple green walls. The exact shade of my iTunes music card. Damn those walls made me happy. Need to get my own place so that I can paint.

I had strange dreams yet again. The only thing I can really figure out, is that my life is just really unbalanced. Has anyone noticed that the longer you have unhealthy habits, the harder it is to break em? I've made New Years Day my deadline (I know that's cliché) to get into a routine for things like exercising, eating breakfast, sleeping, all those simple things. Looking at pics from last Christmas, seeing how even my appearance has taken a toll, tells me I need to change things, urgently.

I have a ton of work to do for school after Christmas Break too. If I was smart, I'd do it DURING Christmas Break, but I think I really need a couple weeks of complete relaxation with family, no work, and no school. I think it will do wonders.

I booked off December 28th ~ January 4th to go to NYC with a friend. I didn't actually believe it was going to happen, but I wanted to be prepared just in case. I was happy for the possibility. It's not happening now, because we are no longer friends. But I am prepared to make those the most fun days of this pathetic life of mine :D

I want to go Christmas shopping, and back to Ikea to get a cheap little tree. Normally I hate Christmas and all it stands for, but for some reason, this year I want to use it the way phone commercials make it seem, as a way to reconnect with friends and family, relax, and have a good time.

I have plenty of work to do in the next few weeks. I want to box up stuff I'm not using (I unpacked it to feel "moved in" but have no place for it so I feel stifled), I want to get rid of any clothing I don't like/wear/use and pass it on to someone who can, I want to clean and rearrange my living space, I want to make plans to hang out with the friends I've neglected.

I need to really figure out how I'm going to finish these classes on time too.
---
current tunes:
The Party Song - Blink-182
Trailer Park Jesus - Glassjaw
Ordinary Day - Great Big Sea
All For You - Our Lady Peace

yay for online quizzy things...

I've noticed... every online 'personality quiz' seems to pin me as overly-emotional and/or needy and/or in need of understanding!

Erin took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks an affectionate relationship, offering fulfi..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Also (and don't all think I'm crazy now), my faithful horoscope email says:

Your dream world holds important emotional clues.
Although you may not be as comfortable in the emotional realms as when you are in action, opportunities abound for you to learn new ways of expression. This may be rather subtle at first, but the long-term effects can be profound. Pay attention to the material that percolates into your consciousness now from dreams or in meditation. Seek the knowledge within.

Truth be told, I have been having very vivid dreams the past couple of days, and last night was the sort of dream where I'd wake up, and have the ability to continue the dream from where I left off just by closing my eyes again. However, the subject matter confuses and saddens me, and is hardly something I'd like to pay attention to, or decipher. It's something I'd just like to forget about.

Because it's very obvious that it's not something that's meant to be.

But I still miss you >:|

Oh well. :/

Today was alright though... slept in, and then had bacon and eggs for breakfast. Derek got annoyed that I was drinking the OJ up too fast. Watched quite a few episodes of Enterprise
and then went to watch the Grey Cup.

Yay Esks!

I learned that I really don't understand football!! I also learned that I'm really good at that ntn bar trivia :)

And that's about all.
I can't believe it's already a new week again. Almost a new month. 34 days to a brand new year.

Scary how time flies. I wish someone could figure out a way to go back....
---
current music:
Beautiful Things - Andain
Satellite [Markus Schulz Cold Harbour Mix] - Oceanlab
Relations - Erika

t- 4 hours...

Sometimes it's just a bad day...
Couldn't sleep last night. Visitors at our house till nearly 2AM (I guess I can't complain.. it's the weekend for everyone else!)Weird dreams involving events over the past couple weeks. I even dreamt about reading bad things about myself in someone's blog. (I'm not an internet addict... no...)

Slept in. Was 45 min late for work :(

Work is so so busy. Apparently due to a 'scheduling error' we are short staffed by 50 people. FIFTY. On a Saturday.

What kind of ERROR causes such a big discrepancy?

Ugh. I just... can't handle it. Not today. 400 calls waiting, with an average wait time of 40 mins.

Anyone have a spare gun??

call the crazy coats, we've got a 5150

Nothing of note this evening.
I went to see Flightplan with my mom. It was actually a fairly decent movie, although it got me a little wound up.

I need to sleep now, so I can get up at 6:30 to work. Fuckin working on a Saturday... I haven't done it in so long, and it's a pain in the butt because the transit system assumes no one has to BE anywhere on Saturday morning. *sigh*

It's funny how the more you DON'T want to think of something, the more you think of it. When I'm drifting off to sleep, when I awaken from a dream, when I'm bored at work, when I'm dozing on the bus..... I wish I knew why.

(ooo déjà vu... how creepy :/)

Sometimes in life I just wish someone could come up to me and say, I'm sorry, this has all been a huge mistake. You can return to your regularly scheduled life now.

I miss certain people. I miss a certain place.
I lost someone who meant a lot to me, although I was an idiot for letting him fool me. I angered another through my own indiscretion.
I feel like there's a hole in my heart. I'm worried I'll become one of those damn emo kids.

Yet tomorrow I need to get up and pretend that my life is normal, happyshinygood.

I know it could be worse and all that feel better crap. But it also WAS better, a very short while ago.

Gah.
Good night.
</crazy>

----
current muzak:
The Longest Day of My Life [Armin Van Buuren Mix] - 24
Walking in the Sky - DJ Encore feat Engelina

value

This strip seems to sum up relationships pretty well. =)

---

current music:
Heut is mein tag - Blümchen

report card

I'm taking a couple weeks' vacation from the internet.
Except for here, because I want to continue to pretend that someone is listening. It's been a long time since I used writing as therapy for myself. It feels good.

I've identified a few areas I need to work on. December is going to be self-improvement month. I need to make 2006 better than 2005, because it's been far too long.

SCHOOL:
This one is so major. I can't believe that I haven't touched my books in over a month =( I need to squeeze all the work I meant to do in November and December into December. I need to come up with a concrete schedule so that I can get a lot of reading, and 3 projects done. I need to check on the Design class at Grant Mac in January. I want to register for Art History and French. But first, I need to get these classes under control.

FINANCE:
I wasted a lot of money this year. It can't continue. I want to get everything under control by February 06. It's not impossible, it will just be difficult.

PERSONAL APPEARANCE:
I caught sight of myself in the elevator at work yesterday. And I thought, DAMN, I look like a girl who works at an internet helpdesk.

This has got to change.

God. The me from 2 years ago would have kicked my current self's ass. All of you with high metabolism take heed. As soon as you pass 22, this mysterious force shuts down. At least it did in my case. I was 115 pounds for years, eating all the junk food I could eat, and then bam. Playdium shut down and suddenly (and I mean suddenly) I was 150 pounds. And it's not muscle. Fat makes a good armor, a good invisibility shield for a depressed girl. But that's not who I am. It's gotta go. I'm thinking of joining the fitness challenge thing at the gym, and if not, I perscribe the following for myself:

1/2 hour of DDR per day or rollerblading while it's still nice.
GYM on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday for at least 1 hour per day.
Continued cut back on processed food and soda.

Also, I've got to drop my current "don't give a shit" look. My hair looks terrible, I don't wear ANY makeup, I essentially get up and go.

I'm meeting Shaun in an hour and BJ later on in the day. I think I will actually "get dressed up"

I've been slowly replacing my clothes too, and think I will continue. I love having style... I've just been too depressed to care.

I'll think of more later. For now, going to enjoy the sunshine while I still can :):)

My horrorscope for today...

You are uplifted today as the dark clouds clear and it feels as if you can see forever. Although it's a great day for long-term goal-setting, the Moon in Leo adds an element of playfulness. You can now come to terms with difficult emotions, especially if you are willing to narrow your vision and move slower as you execute your plans.

---

current music: Beautiful Things - Andain

Nothing but an Echo.... Friendship and Generation Whatever

Warning, if you expect this to make sense, you're expecting too much!

Are we the generation programmed not to love?
Do we lack all ability to connect with one another?
Globalism, Muticulturalism, Networking, Connecting... do you even know your neighbour?
I'm sure if I brought a pie to mine, they'd assume it was poisoned and throw it out.

What an interesting reality.

"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." -Muhammad Ali

I wonder, do any of us actually know the meaning of friendship? How many of you would really lay your life on the line for another? How many have said you loved someone and really truly meant it?

I'm sick of minute connections. I'm sick of temporary alliances. I'm sick of not KNOWING anyone.

The start of this evening's rant-age?

Someone pissed me off. Someone I considered to be a friend, who isn't man enough to tell me WHAT I did to make him do a complete 180. I typed a rather nasty email, and then thought better of it. Why not be the bigger person? Will it really do me any good to hurt him in response?

I hate fighting >:| But I guess, in my wanting of a response, I've become this annoying mosquito. So really, am I any better than him? Probably not.

Odd, how, no matter how mad I get at someone, I never lash out. I've never punched anyone, I've never slapped anyone, I've never been in a fight, I've never said fuck you and meant it.

It's frustrating, sometimes. To seriously want to slam someone against a wall, repeatedly, until they tell you what is going on in their head, but not being able to even write an email.

I have few enemies.

However, it doesn't do me much good, because I have few friends, either.

So many people I talk to are the same. No one really feels close to anyone anymore. You can go through life with hundreds of "friends," yet really, who matters in the end?

There's a ton of people who I talk to online. We chat on nexopia, on MSN, on IRC, on AIM. Just my msn list alone has 72 people on it. But how many of these people mean a thing to me, really? And inversely, how many of them think of me? 10% Maybe. Maybe.

Family? Very funny. I'm vaguely close to my brother, but we've grown up knowing not much about each other. Ask me some facts about him, and I can tell you that he likes drinking Lucky Extra, he once got arrested for stealing cheese, he likes listening to Tupac and Armin Van Buuren, and he hates raisins. Beyond that... I don't know what he dreams about. I don't know what he really cares about. My own brother.

The rest of my family, really... it's sad. We don't communicate. We don't get together. It's enough for us to scrape together 8 hours to see each other on a holiday.

My "friends"? I seem to cling to the ones who don't give a shit, and push away those who do. I miss the easy, loosely connected groups of highschool. Even if they were fake plastic friends... they were friends. They were other humans that I could connect with.

There are a couple of you who mean the world to me. There's one of you in particular, who somehow squeezed your way past all the defenses. I wish I was a guy sometimes. Because if I were, I'd make you marry me :P You're the only one I can really relate to.

God I had a point to all this rambling, I really did. But I've gotten distracted.

Funny how when I was lonely and desperately seeking attention, my phone was silent, but when I'm trying to be bitter and antisocial and hateful of humanity, you all wanna hang out. Try back on the weekend, geez.

So... train of thought broken... rar. I was gonna write something brilliant and it's been forever lost.

All you need to know is that I'm on hiatus. I need to figure out this jumble of thoughts in my head. On my own.

Afterwards, Race, you and I should go to NYC.

Nameless one, you hurt me more than you'll ever realize. But it's okay. The odd thing is that your words (your lies?) also had more of an impression on me than you realize. So if you ever change your mind, and want an ally, I'm here. No questions asked.

I don't know who else reads this. If you've survived the rambling this long, congratulations.

If you understand my need to be single, my need to be one week alone, my need to find the answer on my own, you get more than congratulations.

You can't hurt me, I've found peace within myself - Jam, Michael Jackson

---

current tunes:
Heaven Knows - Squeeze
Inertiatic Esp - The Mars Volta
UR [Junkie XL Air Guitar Mix] - Tiesto
Nevr Again [Single Mix] - Milk Inc.
Without Me - Eminem
current reading material: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

not quite coherent

Movies movies movies.

That was essentially what my day was. I wasn't feeling particularly social so I grabbed a pile of DVDs.

I watched The Breakfast Club, Labyrinth, and Hackers. I forgot how much I love Angelina Jolie's dress at the end of Hackers. =)

Then I went to see HP4. I could say a lot, but really, no intelligent comments at this time!

The weekend was relaxing, and I'm ready for a new week. A new chapter, as it were.

More later, for now, it's 2AM, and I need to squeeze in what little sleep I can get!

...

I burned my pizza =(
Watched Lost in Translation, looked in the paper for studio apartments, and now I'm going to have a bath.

Is it weird that I'd rather just stay home tonight? If anyone has a suggestion on how I can get myself psyched up to go out, it would be gladly appreciated.

This isn't feeling much better than last Saturday *sigh*

Christmas, Music, and a Lazy Weekend...

Just a warning to all, this post will be long and pointless. I can feel it already! =)

Part of my horoscope for today: Take some time to address your own needs, even if you think expressing them is a sign of weakness. The truth is that connecting with the more vulnerable parts of yourself may not be fun, but can be endearing and will help you grow closer to another person.

Hmm. :/

My plan for today was to go Christmas shopping. I don't know what to get for anyone, though, or even who I want to shop for.

There's the family, of course. And a couple out of town friends who I've already agreed to exchange gifts with. But who else...?

I could count the people I'm close to on less than one hand.

I had the perfect idea of a Christmas present for one person, but we've had a falling-out as of late, and I don't know if a gift would be appreciated. Maybe I should do it anyway, in the spirit of the season. But we haven't really been the best of friends this year, so how do I deliver it? Call them up on Christmas Eve and ask to meet for coffee? Pop it in the mail? Hmm.

I really dislike commercial holidays. It's not that I don't enjoy giving gifts, because I do. But I enjoy spontaneous gift-giving a lot more than giving on a certain day because it's expected.

I've noticed that the things I really like about Christmas are limited to:
- New movies coming out
- Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Peppermint Mochas
- Candy Cane ice cream
- Paid stat days at work

Am I a grinch, or what?

Oh well.

This weekend is going to be pretty low-key. I had plans to go out on a Pubcrawl last night, but I cancelled in favor of going to bed early. I was supposed to go see HP4 with Shaun tonight but he's too overwhelmed by school. So I'm meeting BJ at 11ish to play lasertag from 12-6AM, and then tomorrow, who knows. We'll see how coherent I am.

I'm perfectly content just to sit here and listen to music today. I'm sorting through my collection, trying to fix things with mis-spellings, stupid comments (ie: .:.ripped by AnG3L666.:.) and bad genres. Maybe I'm just anal, but I really dislike it when people put stupid shit like that in the comment/genre/album field. I wish I knew a little more about music so I could tell if the genres and mix names were correct. There's a few I'm unsure about.

I'm getting quite impressed with my music collection. Last year at this time, because of my teeny hard drive, I had a mere 687 songs. And while it's hardly
impressive my track listing is now: 2317 songs, 8:12:03:37 total time, 12.59 GB.
This year I purchased 130 individual tracks, and about 4 actual CDs (Ministry of Sound 2005 Annual, Love Me Right - Angel City, Exodus - Utada, Milk Inc. - Milk Inc are all that comes to mind.)

So yeah, don't tell the RIAA :P

For anyone who cares, which I doubt is anyone, here is the full list. I'm always looking for more, so if you have something I don't, let me know :)

This entry is getting especially long, and I'm not saying much at all. I've gotten distracted about 8 million times while writing it. So I think I'm going to go make some pizza, and watch a movie.

---

current music:
(shuffle play is being kind to me today!)
No Fate - Zyon
Phatt Bass [Club Mix] - Warp Bros & Aquagen
Acid Overdose [Blutonium Boy Radio Edit] - DJ Neo
The Air That I Breathe [Grey and Frost Remix] - Talla 2XLC feat. Ely
El Nino [Matt Darey 12" Mix] - Agnelli & Nelson
Living in Ecstacy [Dance Mix] - BKS
Out Of The Blue [Ferry Corsten Second Edition 2003 Mix] - System F
Saltwater - Chicane
Into the Blue - DJ Dazer

sanity snap.

Updating so much because I don't have another way to keep myself sane on these 11-7 shifts.

------, please tell me when you will be out of my head. I can't help missing you, and I am driving myself insane.

Anyone who would like to arrange for either a gun or men in white coats to be delivered to my work address, I will love you forever.

Heading to the doctor on Monday. Meds needed = very yes =(

you'll be hearing from my lawyer

Ugh.
First call of the day opened with "Before I get into the meat of this issue, just know that I have already contacted my lawyer and the Vancouver Sun. Nothing against you darling, but please choose your words carefully."

He was pleasant enough, but still quietly angry. His issue took me about 45 min to discuss and resolve, and after I finished filling out the escalations form, it decided to log me out of the system. Since I didn't think to save my work, I lost it all, and had to type it up again.

God I miss hosting parties and team-building events. Customer Service pales in comparison to Guest Service :/

[Edit 14:36:
And the day just keeps getting better. Almost every call I've taken has involved 15 - 20 mins of after call work, negotiation, phone calls, etc.

I wish I knew why for the past week or so I get full after 3-4 bites of food. Is it physical? Psychological?

I'm going to look into bartending work again.

i don't think we're in kansas anymore...

The wind outside today is 67 k/h.

Holy shit :(

I think the siding is going to come off my house. I slept like shit, and I feel like the cold that's been threatening to show up all of last week has finally hit me.

No drunken rowdiness tonight after all. I can't wait to get home and go back to bed.

Is this supposed to make me feel better? // quarter-life crisis

Today's Horoscope:

Alania,
Although your stress level is high, a solution to your problems is on the way. You must, however, be open to the love that's around you. The conflicts you are feeling aren't about external circumstances, even if that's the illusion. These are internally driven issues and as long as you hold onto the past, you will miss an opportunity to move into the future. Let go and enjoy yourself without trying to figure it all out now.

and tomorrow's...

Alania,
Your energy may feel blocked today, like you know what you want and cannot get it. Being patient is difficult for you Aries, but you've worked long and hard to reach this point. Don't blow it by trying to push for something that's just not going to happen yet. Give it time. Success can be yours if you are patient and persistent.


Patient AND persistant? How can I be both?!

And, my "Weekend Love Horoscope" seems like it's shown up a week too late: >:/

Your key planet Mars is forced up against stern Saturn on Friday, making for a serious weekend. Keep it simple by inviting someone to your home or going to a familiar place, rather than jumping into a chaotic situation with a bunch of people you don't know very well.

good advice.

In an attempt to glue the last shards of my sanity together, I'm going to make a list this weekend of New Year's Resolutions. Yes, I know I'm early, but I generally forget come January 1st anyway :) I'm going to make a list of 50 things that I want to accomplish by the end of 2006. Sounds like a lot, but really... I said that 2004 was the worst year of my life, and 2005 is coming up as a close second. I can't continue on this way if I want to survive. And next year is the big 2-5 :/ I'm getting old, I haven't accomplished anything... and it's time for that to change!

Thanx to those who have been there for me this year. Most of you know who you are =)

I am determined that the sun will rise tomorrow and it will be a new day. Interesting concept.

And after tomorrow, it's the fucking weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's about time. Friday night I hope will involve much drunkenness. Saturday night is all-night LQ w/ BJ. Sunday, I will sleep the day away and then make cookies.

I want to move to Vancouver. Screw this province. No offence to everyone, but I can't stand this place anymore. I can't stand everyone's opinions and preconceptions of me. It may be running away, but I just want to start again.

For now though... I want to relax. Starbucks peppermint mochas make me a happy girl.

(I hope this weekend will be fun enough to help me forget things, and help me restrain this crazy urge to call ------. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. It's over. It's OVER. It doesn't matter how much I think he cared, the truth is, he doesn't give half a shit. I need to accept this. Why is it so hard??????? I thought I was worth at least a sentence, a fuck off, a slap in the face. Silence just kills me.)

ARGH.

Must drink pepperminty goodness and think of Christmas. It's too cloudy to find a star to wish on, but even if I could see one, what would I wish for?

This is getting long and really has no point.

Oyasumi Nasai.

---

current music: 1000 Words - Koda Kumi
iScrobbler seems to be broken. :/ Apparently I have 25 songs queued for submission.

Coke Zero frightens me.

The sky is still amazingly blue. It makes me smile.

My job is so boring.. i've had too much space to think today. I'm trying to figure out why I am so inept with dealing with real people. Customer service on the phone, no problem. I can cool the most irate person.

But real, face-to-face interaction? I'm so inept :/

I fear people. I don't know why. And this fear causes me to dislike almost everyone, yet latch onto those few people I do allow in, and care a little too much.

I still wish him well.

I wish I knew why this weekend happened. Or why it seems to be an odd trend that every Oct/Nov something awful seems to happen to me. But it's almost next weekend. Thank god. And it's only a week till payday, which is good, because I've cured the hurt of an awful and expensive weekend, by spending way too much money this week.

7 mins left of break, 4 hours left of work, time will just keep ticking on.

I'm finding, as I attempt to eat my lunch, that I don't like fast food anymore. This pleases me :)

*yawn* *stretch*

There's something about getting to sleep in, and waking up to blinding sunlight and an impossibly blue sky, that just lifts my spirits like you wouldn't believe.

I missed you sunshine! :D

gone for lunch!

Hunger (feeling hungry & actually wanting to eat) is a good thing.
It's been a few days.

I'm hungry, I'm looking decent for once, and other than forgetting, well, everything, this morning, today has been a normal, decent day.

(Wow, that's a lot of commas!)

Maybe this means the depression is fading away again. I certainly hope so.

On a side note, my new shoes make me a whopping 5'5". I'm lovin' it =)

I had some weird dreams last night that I documented a little in my LJ. I'm wondering if I should consider a career change. Something exciting. I may need to get my ass back into class in order to do it, but meh.

6 hours left of today's workday. I might just survive.
Going to get me some chili and cheese toast.. yum.

morning black as midnight

I hope that this blog will someday be a more creative outlet for me :)
As well, I hope that it will be something I can actually share with friends, unlike my livejournal, which is mostly hidden from all but a few.

When did I become so insecure, anyway? I was once happy, I was once radiant. That's what I want to be again.

*sigh*

Just finished reading South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami. It was exactly the type of book I was needing. Short and sweet, yet powerful and haunting.

And now it's time for work. Ten hours of dealing with the general public on the phone. As much as I would rather gnaw off my own leg, I gotta face the fact that it's morning, and, yes, although it's cold and black outside, this means that it's time to get dressed, and go to work.

I know that no one else is happy either. But do I want to be one of the miserable ones? No. I want myself back.

The week is at the halfway point. I wish I could remember what happened the last 2 days, but it's a blur.

I feel a little silly that I allowed myself to get hurt. But really, right now, no energy for guys anyway. I need to get my life back on track. There is homework to be done, and I need to go back to the gym, and every other little thing I've started to neglect.

So... good morning world. The sun will rise eventually, I hope.

Sweater... check. Gloves... check. Music on loud... check. Sanity? Let's hope so.

[Edit:] Well.. I thought I was organized! Too bad I forgot my headset, security card, and work help manuals at home! o_0

---

current music: Hung Up [Radio Edit] - Madonna

a rebirth...?

I'm here to talk to you. Since no one else seems to be listening. I've gotten so sick of LiveJournal. Maybe here I will be able to write freely. It's better when no one else seems to be reading. I don't know why.

I don't know who you are, exactly. I highly doubt that anyone is going to read this. So, I guess I'm just talking to myself. Maybe this is a sign that I have finally gone crazy.

I'm trying so hard to forget the past few days. I'm trying to ignore the fact that I've been reduced to a lifeless shell who can't do anything but sit here and listen to music. Eating? Work? School? Sleep? These are luxuries I cannot afford myself. Music, and thoughts. That's all.

Hello, depression. I missed you so.

I'm just hoping it passes soon. I don't want to be the way I was a couple years ago. I got sick of that girl, and I don't want her to come back.

I guess the whole reason I wanted to start writing was this: It seemed like a good idea at the time. :(

A couple months ago, my friend introduced me to someone online. Now I've been hurt by online relationships before, so I was hesitant. I was angry with my friend, too. But time passed. I chatted with this guy more and more.

Now comes the part where Alania should be shot.

I totally fell for him! After promising myself I don't know HOW many times that I would never fall for someone online again, I totally fell for him. Talking to him made my day. It motivated me to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on truckin'.

Things continued for awhile. Our relationship was uncertain. I liked him, but I was filled with inhibition. Everything about it was wrong.. he was even in a different city. But gradually, and without me realizing it, he was becoming more a part of my life.

So I decided to go visit him. I wish I knew what I was thinking when I thought that would be a good plan. I guess if you don't take any risks in life, you don't get anywhere, but man, I feel like an idiot.

It was an absolute disaster. I thought that we were getting along despite my social anxiety but I was so wrong.

I wish I was a beautiful girl. It might make up for the fact that I have no personality. I don't know exactly what about me didn't meet his expectations. I noticed when I got back to my cruddy hotel room that my sweater smelled like the gross guy who sat beside me on the greyhound... how embarassing. Maybe it was that. Maybe it was the fact that I cut my hair and look like a dork. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe I'll never know the answer.

Fuck, but that's not the worst. I became, in my panicked state, the worst of human kind.

I wish I knew how many times I called, or how many messages I left him. Why did I panic? Why didn't I just leave when I hadn't heard from him by 2PM?

Maybe if I hadn't panicked, things would be different. Maybe...? I hate the word maybe. It's so open-ended.

But yeah, I fucked things up. I just wish I could get some kind of answer that was a little louder than silence.

---

current music: Spin Spin Sugar [Armand Van Helden's Speed Garage Mix] - Sneaker Pimps

forgotten

Entering random aliases of friends, and I see that he has one of these too. Because I'm pathetic, and because I'm weak, I think I'll leave him a comment.

---

current music: Satellite [Markus Schulz Cold Harbor Mix] - Oceanlab